Anonymous story time part 2
by MoyashiButterfingers
Summary: Now for Neah’s pov T/W: Suicide mention


Anonymous wrote:

I've been a fan of this place for a while and as I was reading through this channel and saw something oddly familiar. So I thought I'd tell my side of the tale as I do keep note I'm not a writer so I might Drabble; my name is Ducky, and I'm going to share about the time where I'd had enough and drank to attempt clearing my mind or my existence. (0/10 do not recommend) you see, at that moment I never really cared about myself the way I cared for my brother or my mother. (Oh would you look at that, I'm already rambling..)

It wasn't smart, then again I never claimed to be intelligent. So I planned to drink until I couldn't remember my own name, it never brought me good things, even if I had the money, the people that surrounded me were only there because they wanted to befriend the rich kid. I'm not someone that appreciates getting used so I'd always push them away. Making me undesirable.

After an entire day of drinking the strongest vodka and whiskey I could find I felt like it was finally working. Then my brother came over.

I don't remember quite what happened next between the brief moments I was awake and the word of the room later I pieced together enough to figure out that the doctors, though helped me, they didn't really want me. Who would? I'm a spoilt rich kid who probably thought about nothing but themselves. See the trouble with having more money than you know what to do with is that most people would change, become snooty and rude. (You can see it from a mile away.)

The times being awake got longer, with my brother and his boyfriend visiting with his angel of a son and not to mention my mother berating me for my dumb actions, crying about how stupid I was.

I agree.

I was more than just a little bit stupid. Regardless, there I was- lay in an all to familiar bed, with a heavy heart and a head that didn't feel like my own. But people worry. Especially parents. Visiting hours were those of the restless times, it got even worse when certain family members came. You know earlier when I spoke about snooty people? Yeah he classed as just that, and he just refused to shut up. So naturally I pretended to be asleep. That was until he insulted my mother. And I believe that was the first time I sat up during my stay.

I've never hit the man before and I don't believe I'll do it again, even if it was the most satisfying thing I've ever done, however I will say sitting up as fast as I did made me feel every ache and pain my body threw back at me, as if yelling at me for what I'd put it through, even so, it felt oddly comforting to know I was in pain, to know someone out there cared enough to put in time for me. Even if it was their job to do just that.

Yet, night fell once more and I was alone. Sleep refused to greet me as if telling me I'd slept too much and I was left staring at the stars, watching the clouds. The window was slightly steamed making the twinkles even more attractive and relaxing.

Every now and then my doctors would come in and talk at me, I'd of course try to answer though that isn't always fun when you're brain isn't working to be your friend. It felt dark and lonely at the best of times sure it didn't seem that way with my brother coming in and asking whether I'm okay and if I needed something. My brother is good at noticing when I'm not okay. Even so I couldn't tell him. All I could do was smile and tell him he didn't have to worry; "I'm fine" I'd say "no worries."

Even though my mind was eating me from the inside I felt like I was just going to bring him down, and it scared me to see my brother so upset. I'd even failed in dying. I was pathetic, and laying there like that was just proving the point in my head.

My brother was one of the happiest men I've ever known, so seeing him the way he always is kinda made me envious. Then he had his everything, as cheesy as it sounds now, he and his man just seemed to have everything I wanted. That I was missing. Everything I craved. And I needed it. But it was wishful thinking. My name was infamous and with my name came money, everyone knew that, but for some reason only the assholes didn't want the money.

Then one week everyone was busy, I had a break.

So I did what I did every night except I did it during the day. I watched the clouds pass by as free as ever. The birds flew by and sang, though it seemed they were always in pairs. Hell it seemed that even they had what I needed, they were as free as can be with someone that didn't have to love them unconditionally.

Then I heard someone enter my room once more he spoke, "you're healthy enough to leave, just take it easy."

"No." I replied.

It wasn't a thing I thought about then again I've never been good at that.

My doctor, let's call him Velvet, seemed shocked at first. Hospitals have shit food and even shittier underpaid and overworked staff. At least that's what a lot of people said to me.

"No?" Was the most emotion I'd heard from this man since I'd met him.

But he did indeed hear me right. No. I want to get better, I want to smile again, I remember thinking, yet wording my thoughts seemed impossible. So I chose to speak before I thought, my specialty some would say.

"I'm not fit to be on my own, I'll stay until I can be on my own. If that's okay."

A spoilt rich kid who has everything. Choosing hospital over home. I looked crazy. I felt stupid. And I was pathetic.

He must have seen what I meant, Velvet only smiled and nodded his head slightly "I'll see to it, thanks for letting us know."

And so there I stayed. To try and tame the monster I let control my brain. My days filled with shit food and grumpy nurses who tried their best to be polite. I don't blame them, they had patients left right and centre all badgering for something. So I put up with it. Not like I haven't dealt with that kind of thing before.

Valentines came around and there I was. Alone like usual. Not even a friend to say hello. Of course my mother gave me a card but that's kinda sad, or at least I think it is, lilies too.

It's a sweet gesture, though I got my hopes up for no reason. Not sure why. Looking out the window was almost painful. The town was decorated for the stupid holiday in fact I felt myself cry. That was the seventh time I cried alone that month. It must have been depressing to witness. I'd timed all the visits however I knew when it was safe and when it wasn't. It's harder to stop crying than to bottle everything up with something you're not allowed access too because you tried to kill yourself with it.

The nurses outside were discussing later plans, leaving and meeting people or partying with other single friends. That would have been nice, I wish I had someone like that, damn that made me cry. If I couldn't stop in time I'd shuffle into my bathroom and hide there until I could calm down.

Then I saw myself. I looked just how I felt.

I wanted to be okay, I longed for it, but darkness like that is a tunnel. The light your chasing might be dancing away from you, it is daunting.

After valentines it seemed like my doctor lived at the hospital. Velvet was always checking up on me, making sure I wasn't in pain, asking if the food was good, laughing when I said it was as bad as the roadkill they found to make it. Quite honestly, his laugh eased my heavy heart, even if it was just a little, Hell, my own joke made me smile, something I thought I'd forgotten I could do.

One day he came in after his hours, his presence stopped my brain from yelling at the birds, though it was rather confusing.

"Wouldn't you prefer to go home? go on doc, get outta here! Enjoy your freedom." My question only received a smile, as if he didn't feel like answering the question.

Instead he spoke about life asking me things and taking an interest in what I did and what I was interested in.

Music topics go by, book collections, for some reason we got on to the topic of romantic relationships which was something, after that other topics trickle in and it was like a connection was made, it was... nice. I had someone to connect with, someone that wasn't there because they had to be, even if he did, he didn't have to be there right then.

The way he spoke when a subject he liked came up was charming, the way his lips twitched when he tried to not laugh at really stupid jokes was handsome, and he was without a doubt the most beautiful man I'd ever laid my eyes on. And better yet he'd given up his free time just to sit with someone like me, he was a marvellous man. After a while of picking up how the other handles social interactions the room fell silent. It wasn't uncomfortable, though when I studied his face he seemed to be thinking about something.

"So," Velvet seemed hesitant to begin as if choosing his words carefully, "a rich kid that has everything, and is willing to throw it all way?"

His question made me actually think before talking, a rare talent for someone to activate indeed. "A man who has money, has no true friends, a man who has a loving family and yet sometimes feels smothered, a man that has a home with rooms and heat yet no one to share it with. A man who has a pretty face and a smile that he has been told lights the room, and yet he has been used for it.

"A man who has everything. But is a man who has nothing at all." I tried to smile through my words but as you can imagine opening up to someone is one of the hardest things you could ever do. And I felt that, yet I still had to explain so I did. Taking a deep breath I decided to continue my words, "though I have a family that I love and cherish, with more money than I know what I could possibly do with, I have no one to share it with. No one I can hold at night, nothing I can do when I wake from nightmares of past trauma that I can't tell mum about. I may have everything at first glance. But I have nothing at all under the surface."

"To throw everything away for love, how romantic, though I do understand, I think I would do the same." Doc Velvet responded with an almost warming smile, it was very comforting.

After the thought provoking question we must have spoken for about four hours before I told him that he should go home and rest. It was weird being to one to tell someone to leave so I could rest, but it was liberating to say, even if I did have to give a small white lie. When he left he hummed out a 'so what do you say, same time tomorrow?'

A confidant man, a kind soul, slowly lifting the thoughts my brain plagued me with, he continued to sit with me, somedays he ate dinner with me, even if he did complain about the "shit we feed the patients" as though it would change anything, some days he fell asleep in the arm chair talking about everything and nothing at all, usually when he did that I'd put the spare blanket over him, since I'd always ask for two because who doesn't when they don't provide thick ones?

Though one day he bought me flowers, along with salted caramel chocolate. At first I was confused, I read the tag and all it said was "Mr.Ducky." I didn't actually figure out he'd sent them till later, but he was there when I got them, looking up to him I remember asking him to get me a new vase. His smile that day should have told me right away it was him.

Instead I got him to share the chocolates for all the hard work he'd put into babysitting me. At first he declined but assured me that he would after work, so after dinner when he got off work he came over expecting the box to be empty. Yet something inside had convinced me I had to share them, so naturally I'd waited to wash down the mild curry and overcooked rice when I could sit with him and share my gift, letting the warm feeling fill myself as I offered the box.

"Good evening, Doc, I believe you've earned this for all your hard work." I remember saying. Of course it took a little work to get him to sit and share them with me, but it felt nice to have someone on the outside to share things with, he became a friend. A real boost to the mental state.

Though I believe you shouldn't depend solely on somebody else to create your happiness, for me that somebody else was precisely the push I needed to say "hey, you know what? Life is worth living, I'm not alone." Even if the shadows were darker and more intimidating than ever, I felt I actually had someone I could rely on, someone I was drawn too, someone who didn't look at me for my fortune and status. I had someone who looked at my personality and for some strange, unknown, reason said "you're not so bad I want to hang around you."

And it was just what I needed to finally feel safe enough on my own and leave that place, of course I couldn't leave before slipping the doctor my number. I'd love to say it was just because he was cute, which he was, he was breathtaking, but it wasn't. It started with a lust for friendship, someone that wasn't family.

I couldn't resist giving him a hug, the gratitude I felt didn't even cover that and you bet I had kind words with his higher ups to have the man rewarded for everything he had done for me. If there was one good thing my status could give me it was that there was no damn way they'd ignore the well wishing I'd given their staff.

Then off I went, it was time to go home and say hello to the empty house in which I lived, where I'd spend hours, if not days and weeks contemplating getting an animal and then putting it off because I couldn't look after myself. Which may sound stupid but I didn't want to look after a creature the wrong way if I could help it, they don't deserve the negligence undeserving people give to them. Regardless. There I was, stood in my own home.

It was surprisingly welcoming, the silence was almost like a horror movie, and yet it was tranquil all in one. Bizarre. I could sleep without the buzzing of a machine or the beeping of another. I could sit on a comfortable sofa without groaning at the backache you get from the hospital arm chairs. I could read without having to worry about bending my arm that held the cannula.

I was home. Where I could wait in anticipation of Velvet finding out I'd slipped him my number. I remember drifting off one night before the text that created history came through, it read "is this Ducky?" He found it, and it was time to talk, of course I couldn't show that I was excited to chat once again, no, that would have been too weird, right? I think so.

And so started the thread of our mindless chatter. Not like that's particularly a bad thing, in fact whenever we had chance to talk I'd stop what I was doing if I could just to talk. His humour was just up my ally, his bad days were quite interesting to listen too and his good days were even better, it was fun to just listen/read what he had to say, replying occasionally so he knew I was still there. Even when I was speaking about my days, the good, the bad and the mundane, it was the same.

It sort of felt like I'd found a keeper. However I couldn't just say that, that's just embarrassing. Instead I got slowly closer and close, every moment I could was spent texting and if we weren't texting we were hanging out.

I remember doing all sorts of stuff together, like going to the arcade, going to see movies or just staying at home and watching badly rated movies to see why they were so poorly rated. There were quite a few times where we didn't even do much of anything, we just sat in each other's company, we could have been chattering away or maybe he would be doing a bit of reading while I'd be playing and planning out some music, in silence or sat in harmless chatter where not much ever really got done, and overall just enjoying each other's company.

It was comforting to have him around, lovely to see him relaxed too and out of uniform. He never liked being spoiled but did gracefully accept, scolding sometimes but treasured the items I later found out.

I soon figured out he loved my library (yes I have one, no I am not telling you where I live) if I'd let him in there he'd be lost for days if I let him, of course if I said no he'd look pretty sad, and that kind of face hurt to look at. See the library has a collection of rare books and other various things that my brother-in-law quite enjoyed, and I found it was just up Velvet's alley. So when I said no it was like holding the treat just out of reach.

Of course I'd usually only say no if he was looking a little more run down since that face would hurt anyone's existence and if it didn't I don't think you're human. Alas I'm rambling off topic.

After hanging out almost every day with every chance we both got, making a house feel more like a home and occasionally crashing at my place, I felt as though we were growing closer, it was surreal and exhilarating.

It had been months maybe a year (I lost count) I'd decided this was someone I wanted to try and date though I didn't want to ruin the only friendship I'd ever really gotten on my own. So I planned carefully to make it the least awkward and so it was noted that I'd be totally happy just being friends.

And wouldn't you know it, he accepted. I had a boyfriend. One that wouldn't look at my 'frail' body and toy with it, one that helped my mental health. One man who changed it all. One man who gave me everything.

To this day I am and man who has everything. And a hell of a lot more. And if you're reading this, thank you Velvet, for helping me find the light in a darkened tunnel. I love you, and I promise to be your light if and when you need it.

Ducky.


End file.
